PTSD: Not All Wounds Are Visible.

“What do you know about PTSD that was brought on by childhood trauma (life threatened many times), along with all other forms of child abuse?” ~MJM

I find this to be an interesting question.  Normally I avoid writing about personal issues in a public forum but in this instance I’m going to make a rare exception.  Please don’t pity me or feel sorry for me for what you’re going to read below.  Just accept it for what it is and don’t treat me any differently.

I don’t consider myself an expert on PTSD, but as I have told some, I was recently diagnosed by the VA with service connected PTSD (of which details I’m still not comfortable talking about…much less writing about them…as I am starting treatment for it within the next couple of weeks.  However, given the nature of my life experience (I also had trauma before joining the Army…some as a child) I will do my best to let you know what I can.

For those reading this who are not familiar, PTSD is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It is a psychological condition that causes strong emotional reactions based on certain triggers which very from individual to individual.  The trauma can be combat related or not.  Back before it was called PTSD the condition was sometimes referred to as Shell Shock or Battle Fatigue.  A “trigger” is a sight, sound, smell, or sequence of events or other stimuli that cause the individual suffering with the disorder to relive the moment of the trauma in their mind.   I know the condition can be treated with varying levels of success, but I am uncertain as if it can be cured.

Personally I’ve suspected for years that I was suffering from PTSD based on what I had heard other veterans talking about.  I have developed certain defense mechanisms (healthy ones thank God) to help me cope with triggers when they present themselves.  For instance, one of my coping mechanisms is to dress in costume as either Batman or Theodore Roosevelt…two of the greatest bad-asses known in our culture. 

My reactions very depending on the environment and the specific trigger(s).  Unfortunately I know that many of my friends, family and acquaintances have suffered along with me and may not have even realized what was going on…I know I sure didn’t until recently.  Generally though I become aggressive, defensive and have on rare occasion become verbally aggressive and once or twice I’ve even become physically violent due to the depth of my flashback (that was a mess).  Not everyone reacts the same way during a flashback to my understanding and I may be an odd case.  I don’t know yet but I will be finding out during my treatment sessions.  

I’ve used meditation for many years to help separate myself mentally from the flashback.  It’s almost like I’m watching a movie instead of being back in the thick of things.  Unfortunately that has side effects as well.  It makes me appear to be apathetic or unappreciative sometimes…even grumpy in the midst of a good time. However recent developments in my life, prior to my diagnoses, have helped me get back in touch with that part of myself which allows me to laugh, smile and enjoy life.  My wife told me that after I became a Freemason she noticed that I actually genuinely laughed and smiled…something she had rarely seen before.  I credit my brethren in my Lodge for helping me see a better part of myself despite me feeling as if I were buried in a pile of emotional muck...not to mention the love and support of my wife and others close to me who have helped me over the years.  Its a long road but I'm willing to travel it.

Dealing with the fact that I now know I have PTSD is almost more difficult for me than the actual condition. All I’ve ever wanted was some semblance of a normal life (whatever that may be) and now knowing that it may never happen is very disappointing to me.  I do fight every day though to do that which makes me happy. Masonic work, AnachroCon, helping out friends and family, neighbors and even just saying hello to a random person in the grocery store helps me feel a bit more normal.

Personally I have too many people in my life who I care about, my wife, my mother & father, my daughters and the attendees of AnachroCon who rely upon me to make things run smoothly (or at least appear to run smoothly) so that they can have a good time. All that being said though, I know I am doing the right thing in pursuing treatment and I would encourage anyone who feels that they may be suffering with PTSD to go see their doctor and do what needs to be done to start trying to get themselves some help.  There is no good reason to spend ones live living in mental torment when the help is available to help ease the pain.

For more information on PTSD, visit http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001923/